


Boys and Toys

by Mithen



Category: DCU
Genre: Humor, M/M, Sex Toys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-01-09
Updated: 2008-01-09
Packaged: 2017-10-17 14:06:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/177631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mithen/pseuds/Mithen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Superman's curiosity gets the better of him as he waits for Batman in the Batcave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Boys and Toys

The Batcave was empty and silent save for the endless flittering of the bats among the stalactites. Superman floated into it, looking around. "Bruce?"  


A flicker on the computer monitor caught his attention. Words scrolled across it: _Kal. Got called away, will be back soon. Behave. B._

Superman rolled his eyes slightly. As he did, a glint of metal caught his eye: a utility belt, laid out across a work table with a few tools next to it.

Superman eyed the belt longingly. Over the years they'd been working together, Batman had relaxed enough to let him bypass the security measures on the cave, but he'd never let Clark have a look at the contents of his fabled utility belt. "A man has to have some secrets," he'd smirked when Clark had expressed an interest. The little pockets were even lined with a very fine lead alloy--a counter-measure, Clark hoped, against normal x-rays as well as Kryptonian.

The gold belt glittered temptingly. Clark's hands twitched, and he found himself holding it, heavy and alluring. Well. Bruce would know he'd messed with it now anyway, probably, so why not take a peek? The Bat would just re-arrange everything on principle, so it couldn't hurt to look just a little...

He was pretty sure Bruce wouldn't leave Kryptonite lying around the cave, but he was still rather cautious as he cracked open the first pocket. The contents of the first few were unsurprising: an assortment of batarangs, lockpicks, anti-venom, and so on. Clark fingered the mundane objects with an odd sense of wistfulness--items that Bruce had made with his own hands, the little symbols of his dedication to detail and perfection.  


However, soon he came to an item that made him cock his head in confusion: a toothbrush and toothpaste, vividly emblazoned with a familiar red-and-yellow symbol. The image of Batman brushing his teeth with super-toothpaste made him snort with laughter for a second, quickly muffled when he heard it ring off the cave ceiling.

Next was a pair of cuff links in the shape of the S-shield. Superman had no idea at all why Batman might need spare cuff links, but the idea of Bruce Wayne's elegant wrists adorned with his symbol was vivid enough to make him feel distinctly nonplussed.

Next were--Superman stared at the little square packets. They appeared to be...super-condoms. "Invulnerable!" trumpeted the packaging. Clark was unsure if the condoms themselves had his symbol on them, and he suddenly wasn't sure if he wanted to know. The mental image he received now was extremely vivid and definitely discomfiting.

By this point Clark was feeling highly leery of the whole process. But at the same time...he just couldn't resist.

A glint of green greeted him as he opened the next pocket and he flinched away, but when no pain followed he decided it was safe. "Safe" being a relative term, he realized, as he pulled out a strap of leather shaped into a circle with a green gemstone attached to it. Too large to be a ring, too small to be a bracelet...Clark eyed it with increasing trepidation.

The next two pockets had reassuringly mundane items like rope and plastic explosive. Clark almost chuckled again at the idea of plastic explosive being "mundane." But compared to some of these items...

As if to prove his point, he drew out a fine cord with small silver spheres attached to it at regular intervals. Each sphere was etched with his symbol. As he held them in his hands, staring, a voice came from behind him: "Kryptonian ben-wa balls--'make you come faster than a speeding bullet,' was the slogan, I believe."

Clark jumped guiltily and the corded balls slipped to the ground with a clatter. "Oh! Uh..."

Batman's smile was smug. "Couldn't resist, could you?"

"These are all really available to buy?" Clark wasn't sure whether to feel horrified or flattered. He held up the leather loop with its green stone. "Bruce--is this a _Kryptonite cock ring_?"

"Well," Batman said smoothly, taking it from his hand, "It's not real Kryptonite, of course."

"Thank heavens for small favors," said Superman as acerbically as he could manage. "May I ask why exactly you have a large collection of Superman-themed sex toys?"

Batman twirled the cock ring absently around a finger, which Clark found very distracting. " _You_ might not care if your name is associated with shoddy goods, Clark, but the Justice League has a reputation to maintain. Consider me quality control testing."

"Quality...control...testing..." The image of Bruce "testing" the black leather cock ring made Clark's mouth go very dry. He stared at Batman and realized his mouth was still hanging open; he closed it carefully.

"Then there are the toys that don't fit into a belt," Batman continued with perverse cheerfulness. "I highly recommend the metallic vibrating dildo. 'The Man of Steel,' naturally."

Clark couldn't help but whine very slightly. "You're joking."

Batman's mouth went stern. "The Batman doesn't joke, Clark." He sighed slightly. "It's a difficult job, but one I take very seriously."

His voice was bland, but Clark could hear a glint of laughter running through it. "Anything I can do to help?" he asked as innocently as possible.

Batman's gaze was assessing. "Well, I suppose you do owe me for all the hours and hours of _very hard_ work I've put in protecting your trademark. And I do have a conundrum I need answered." He stepped very close to Superman. "It would be very useful to know how the life-size Kryptonian doll compares to the real thing."

Superman groaned, half in horror at the image of a sex doll in his likeness, and half in agonized arousal. "You've _got_ to be kidding."

A dark hand slipped down his side, across his hips, and caressed his groin. "Well, I can see they seriously underestimated you in one way already." Batman pressed up against him, pulling him closer. "I suspect the sounds they've got the doll programmed to make aren't half as appealing as the sounds you'll actually make, either."  


Clark couldn't help it; he moaned against the other man's shoulder. "Mmm, yes," Bruce said silkily. "Better already." He wrapped his hands in Superman's cape and pulled him toward the stairs, stopping to scoop up the cock ring and ben-wa balls as he went. "Shall we get started?"

As he followed Bruce toward his bedroom, Clark hoped there were a lot of Superman-themed sex toys on the market, because he was definitely ready to test them all.

 


End file.
